That my husband was called to seminary, wasn’t at first an easy pill to swallow. I loved God–love Him–but it didn’t feel real for our lives. If he becomes a pastor, that would make me a pastor’s wife. And Lord knows I am not pastor wife material.
I’m too new to this. That’s what I kept telling myself: just slow down, not so fast, you’re still too new to this. And what if it doesn’t pan out? What if it all collapses in a heap of some trial and a lot of error? What if we change our minds? What if we’re not ready? What if we’re not right for the job? What if I’m too new to this to be this crazy? This radical?
I’m too new to be this reckless for a God I’ve only known for a little while, aren’t I?
But what does that all translate to, really? That I’m too new to be used by God? I’m too new to go all in for Jesus? I’m too new to make a difference? I’m too new to call myself a believer or an advocate for the Holy Kingdom?
New is shocking. New is newsworthy. New makes people sit up and take notice, ask questions and seek understanding. New makes heavenly headlines.
But it’s all in my head.
Is it all in my head?
Why do I want to do this?
Why wouldn’t I?
I pride myself on living a life of simple luxuries and a whole lot of inner peace, but far be it for me to allow my peace to cause complacency. I know God has changed my life. I know my heart is not the same as it was two years ago when the craziness started. I know that me, as a Jesus sell-out, is a far better version of myself than I’ve ever been.
And yet, as I baby step my way into what I feel is my calling and ministry, worries of inadequacy threaten to strangle me- like a dog on a chain, running too fast toward freedom, only to be thrust back onto the lawn by his neck.
Except, I’m no longer chained! I’m no longer a slave to fear, doubt, or human limitations! I need a savior, I can’t be one– and our Savior has already come and died that we might live in total liberty!
Jesus isn’t asking us to save souls (phew!). He’s asking us to let go of what we thought we wanted out of this life in order that we may show Him to other lost souls. He’s speaking into my heart, saying, “If you would loosen your grip on the latest trend, you could inspire one more broken woman to find me and my freedom. Will you do that? Does it seem as if I’m asking too much? Are you too new to love others more than you love things? Can’t you see how important all of this is?”
Because if God is real, and this life is short, and we’re all going to die… could each day be better spent better dressed or better loved? If the end is going to happen to us all, and it is, what’s the point in safety until the finish line?
What if God showed up so drastically in Travis’ and my own life, when we needed Him more than we even knew, in order that he might be able to catapult us to this place? What if he allowed all of the challenging, heartbreaking, soul stretching hardness to take place because then–when we got here, being called into ministry–we would have no choice but to trust His plans? We wouldn’t be able to talk ourselves out of it, because we have felt him. We have heard him. We have lived him.
God, before we were ever ready to acknowledge his presence in our lives, was putting people and events into place to bring us to the foot of his throne. He orchestrated all of the necessary struggles to make us realize our love and need for him on an undeniable level. We had to fall to our knees before we could raise our hands in ultimate surrender, or we never would have heard him say: go to a place I will show you.
What if, when I heard God say to me last July, “I brought you here, now I’m asking you to follow me away…” he wasn’t just talking about my business? What if he was talking about everything? What if it wasn’t just my position, what if it was our entire lives? What if it was Jesus calling Peter from the boat? Or The Almighty telling Abraham to act in faith? What if I was being pushed, coaxed, and beckoned into step after step of obedient faith so that when the time for the big leap came, we couldn’t deny that the choice wasn’t ours to make?!
Sister friend, it isn’t “what if” with our Creator. It just is.
God did what he did, he planned all that He planned, so that on this day, in this moment, when I was too new to feel ready, I’d be willing to do what he’s calling me to do anyways.
Most of this post, by the way, was a journal entry written back on March 4th– shortly after Travis announced he was being called to seminary and much before I felt the tug to study ministry at the same university. It was two days shy of our one year baptism-iversary, and a few days after my meltdown over the fact that the future we’d been planning for 8 long years in the military, was suddenly taking a drastic turn. I’m no longer stomping my feet or punching my thighs in a feeble attempt to tantrum my way out of whatever is ahead for us… but those feelings of “too new” never grow old.
I’ll keep you posted if I ever feel qualified to be doing what I know I’m supposed to be doing!
Has there ever been a time God spoke to your heart and you resisted out of self-doubt?