I got it all wrong. Was a more humbling sentence ever written? I got it all wrong, so wrong, and in my blind march to Wrongville, I fell apart. I fell into a hole. A slippery, slimy hole lined with self-pity, despair, and quite frankly, ungratefulness.
This entire journey I’ve navigated since obediently turning away from a former idol, I have been expecting God to fill the void it left with something other than Himself. I refused His offering. I rejected His gift. He wasn’t enough to satisfy my unquenchable thirst to be seen. I wanted more.
More than God?
More here. More now. More world. More this life. More this moment.
I said “okay” when I was asked to walk away from my beloved business because I thought that those steps would lead me directly to a new uber-successful endeavor. I willingly, and without much fight at all, left my post of semi-prominence, importance, and prideful self-indulgence and all but demanded that God replace it with a more “godly” mission which would immediately fill my need to feel semi-prominent, important, and proudly self-indulged.
I got it all wrong, my friend.
I have been struggling so heavily because I’ve been waiting for a favor that was never promised and never from God. He wasn’t saving me from Beachbody… He was saving me from myself! I was willing to give up “the thing,” and He was asking me to give up the unwholesome desires that “the thing” was fueling. I didn’t care about the avenue in which I reached my impressive success, and He didn’t care about my reaching impressive success at all. What a foolish error I made to give my ego free reign over my head and heart. Sure, I took a step in faith (hold the applause) but my motives were purely selfish.
“When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”
Umm… yes, James, that was totally and entirely the plan. I said, “Okay, God, you can have my business but only because I fully plan on you giving me more success elsewhere. Deal?”
When God said “Just write.” it wasn’t so that I could hear people tell me what a wonderful writer I am, it was so that I could more clearly hear Him. It was never about my fame, it is always about His. And as I walked away from any shred of notoriety that I had accumulated in the one area, I had my eyes set on the notoriety that I could achieve in the next one.
I so got it all wrong.
Months and months of wrongness. And oh does it hurt to realize that all the time you’d spent thinking, “I must be almost to my big
break blessing, because it’s been X amount of months since I obeyed the call”, you were really living, “I’m a distraught, discontented, tantrum filled day closer to understanding that God has so much more work to do in me before I could ever be ready for that kind of responsibility.” Seriously. Ouch.
But while this type of revelation should frustrate me into a state of discouragement, it has had the opposite affect on me. I feel enlightened. Rewarded with clarity. It’s the kind of shock you felt when you reached the end of Sixth Sense and realized Bruce Willis was a ghost. Or, the more family friendly version, when Miranda realizes that Mrs. Doubtfire was her ex-husband Daniel. It’s her reaction on my lips… “The whole time?!?!”
I am so thankful that I had a meltdown the other day. I’m so grateful that my selfish heart told my trying-to-make-me-feel-better husband that being his wife and Reagan’s mom wasn’t enough for me. I am so appreciative that I wallowed in my own woe-is-me despair. Because no sooner had I collapsed onto my bed in a puddle of tears over my lack of status, no sooner had I descended the rabbit hole of my poor-me lack of position, did my Savior once again save me from myself. No sooner had I given up, no sooner had I felt the throngs of depression closing in on me, no sooner had I reached for the blanket that would bury me in a state of discontent and bitterness, did Jesus grab my hand and hold it instead.
Oh, did I ever get it all wrong.
But you know what? Getting it wrong is okay. Getting it wrong was the point that would prove the point that I needed to see. Getting it wrong was the path that led me back to the path of righteousness. Getting it wrong meant trying. Getting it wrong was the journey that revealed the true destination. And getting it wrong was just one more test to add to my testimony, one more trip up to add to my long list of “oh I can relate to how you feels”, one more side step that verified trying to do on my own will never fulfill me the way that only doing life God’s way, can.
There’s nothing wrong with getting it all wrong, if you’re trying like hell to get it right.
Have you ever experienced this sort life blooper? Share in the comments, I gotta feeling I’m not the only one!